If you know me you will know that a) I slip into monologues alot and b) I am my own toughest critic. Recently it dawned on me that I should be my own fan instead my own hater. My inner voice is some angry Ulsterman (Northern Irishman) while most peoples, I gather, is Tony Robbins. I kid but due to Diego Sanchez fighting this weekend (Diego is big into Tony) - the guy with the motivational teeth was on my mind.

I work in media in web so I am processing data all day. That reflects in my brain. I'm always troubleshooting in work or mentally. Sometimes If I have nothing to do I pick something random and it drives me nuts thinking about it. My Mum gave me this gene. So I went to training tonight but my brain was in search mode for too many answers all at the same time. It causes mental blockage which means you can't flow right on the mat. My expectations..diet, spirituality, lifestyle, abilities... My brain is much too overactive. Always has been. Except at certain times. If you know what I mean.

Tonight was Eduardo's last class of the year as he is returning to Brazil. He taught me an excellent guard pass that's a foundation now in my game. Obrigado Do-Do! Jorge is away for 6 weeks starting tomorrow. And in training - not so good. Dropped on my head - knee'd in my nuts, I tapped alot...not doing much offensively. Not remembering 'how' to do certain things..my left hand is unable to properly clench so I'm thinking of an Xray...my middle finger can't close and my thumb has been enduring something since I took a 200lb teen down with a down leg in the summer plus all I do is choke people.

My hand injury makes it frustrating. But I should be looking at this as a chance to widen my game. So I chose to roll with the lightest white belt (a young guy Peter our Purple Belt had mentioned to me that was of such a light weight no-one really will work with him). And I started trying to, instead of choke, work an armbar. Ok so I got it but there was no big deal. Then I tried again and suddenly I punched his armdown while I had him in my guard, switched to the Omoplata, saw all the white belts who were watching take note, I tapped him - then I told him the escape. And Then we slapped hands and rolled again. And in that quick moment in the transition when that flash of recognition happened and I knew what was going on. I knew that this was Jiu Jitsu. Plus - I want to develop the move now...all good

I also rolled with Vince who has been developing a confusing guard and now is working on foiling my guard passing attempts. Again - a chance to get better. And Omar again gave me a glimpse of what pressure can be like when you roll with fast and explosive vs slow and methodical.

So at home - again the hunt for answers about everything.

Then my Tony Robbins Moment...(without the teeth)

I asked myself. Why Does any of this matter? All of these questions why do they matter to me?

No answer. It felt like a tumbleweed moment between my inner Tony and myself.

"If you can't answer the simple question of why all of these answers you seek are important to you - why spend so much time searching for so many answers when 1. they don't matter right now because you will learn them at some stage and 2. even the small things that happen today have made you a better person that when you woke up."

All of a sudden a smile broke on my face. Just shut up - and tomorrow - go back to the academy. And just train.

Enjoy Jorge's last night and have some fun learning. Search for answers but try 1 or 2 just at a time..they will all come..

You know...jiu jitsu is now my life and I am in the very beginning...it's deep and a tough water to swim in..and truth is it's gonna get tougher and deeper... so I better be ready. Thats the only way. Be ready. And train. Show up at the academy ready to flow. Enjoy getting tapped..enjoy not being able to use my hands, enjoy almost quitting and pushing your body past what it's normally not meant to be doing. And just train man...train because at the end of the day...it's where the results to all my searching can be found.

And I got an idea of just how fully you can live jiu jitsu by watching the Renzo Gracie's Legacy Documentary tonight.

That guy has so much fire. I really recommend grabbing the video and checking it out - it follows him over 10 years of pro fighting...great insights and footage.

...this is bonus material - 60 minutes featured him and were shown in the DVD filming - so here it is. And for trainspotters ...who is using the opening line from this to promote his company right now ;)

• Dropping down a gear for the rest of December (2009-12-07)
• Training Diary Nov 27th 2009 (2009-11-27)